Good riddance 2018…but more importantly Hello 2019
Last year was a shit one for me. I spent the first half of it being pregnant, which I know is an absolute blessing and blah blah blah but I HATE BEING PREGNANT! And a quarter of the way into the year my Mum got diagnosed with breast cancer.
I’m an anxious person at my best, I am anxious and depressed to the point of struggling to get out of bed when pregnant-so when we found out about the diagnosis when I was 6 months pregnant I quite blatantly didn’t know how the fuck I was going to cope.
My Mum and Dad’s house which has been my ‘bubble’ and my ‘happy place’ since getting pregnant the first time around and discovering (slowly and painfully) that I had antenatal depression, was smothered in cancer. We didn’t know what was going on, it seemed like the hospitals weren’t communicating properly and every time we came back from an appointment it seemed like the news was worse than what we had previously thought. SPOILER: It’s not terminal and she’s recovering well from chemo.
Anyway at the time I was coming home from my bubble and having panic attacks. Then something weird happened-a switch clicked and some sort of barrier went up and I could not get upset. This had never happened before. I am a dweller, I am super sensitive and I share my feelings A LOT! I do not shut them out and get on with it-but here I was, getting my shit together.
After Mary was born I didn’t have the same kind of support from my Mum and Dad as I had with the boys. My Mum was going through her own stuff and my Dad was supporting her. Instead of being worried about what I would do and how I would cope I absolutely smashed through it.
As soon as I could I was at the gym taking any frustrations I had out on the treadmill.
It was like my body had gone into over drive and I would not be wavered.
I think this is what made the difference-I knew I didn’t have the option for extra help. I knew I couldn’t let myself fall back into the pit I had been in with my second pregnancy. I simply didn’t have the safety net. I could not slip, trip or fall.
I’m not saying that anyone chooses to be depressed or that you can simply power through a bad time in your life because I don’t think I CHOSE to do either of those. I just learnt that in what was the most difficult circumstance I have found myself in I became my most resilient.
In 2017, for a business exercise, I chose a word that would define my year-a tradition which I wanted to carry on. My 2018 word was growth, mainly because I had found out I was pregnant again-I knew I would be limited with what I would be able to do physically and mentally so I wanted to concentrate on the fact I was growing a baby but also that I could grow my mindset and grow my business through learning resources rather than action. It turned out though that the word I chose for 2018 was actually more about me growing emotionally.
So although 2018 gave me Mary, our third and FINAL baby, it also gave us a big big wobble that I am more than happy to shut the door on.
I started 2019 as I do most new years, with a list of resolutions and good intentions.
Of course one of the big ones was to blog more, and I started going over what I wanted my New Years blog to say around the beginning of December, and have only just gotten round to writing it now…still, better late than never!
This year instead of piling on the pressure to work on my resolutions all at once, from day one and to stick to them perfectly, I am going to concentrate on one thing per month. My thinking behind this is to make sure I can give each resolution time to stick before moving on to something else.
It’s made me excited to overcome some hurdles that I have chosen for myself rather than ones that have been thrown at me!
Which leaves me with my word for 2019:
Resolute; admirably purposeful, determined and unwavering.
And as always a little quote
“Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other.” – Abraham Lincoln